Southern Veteran and Porn Star?

It has been way too long since I have blogged about my online dating experiences. I took a  hiatus as life got complicated as it tends to do. But, I was recently laid off and have a little extra time to do the whole dating thing now. Therefore, we are back in full swing.

I am excited to share with you one of my more recent dating experiences with a "SouthernVeteran". The date itself was far less than mediocre and I knew about ten minutes into our conversation that we were not a good match. There are some things that you just don't share with someone on the first date, but, SouthernVeteran clearly did not know this. 

To give you the run down, he has been out of the service for 5 years and has not had a job in the past 4 years because he is living off of disability due to PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) . Now, I know there are a lot of skeptics out there when it comes to PTSD. I am not one of them. However, like with most diagnosable syndromes, I feel that doctors tend to over-diagnose and sometimes wrongly diagnose something that is so new to the medical community. I could say a lot more on the subject, but this isn't a medical journal to exercise your brain, it is an online dating accounting of events to tickle your funny bone.

 I asked SouthernVeteran how many tours he did while he was in the service and he thought I said "chores". No idea why, besides the fact that he is not exactly the sharpest tool (on which I will elaborate more later). It turns out he did one, in Somalia.....Africa......! No, not Iraq, not Afghanistan....but, Africa. Alright, well, maybe he had a tough job? Nope! IT! As in he works with computers and technology. He wasn't even boots on the ground. Now, please do not get me wrong, I appreciate ANY member of our military who serves and I believe that every job is important. However, the fret of suicide bomber kids, IED's and Camel Spiders in the Middle East versus the fear of Black Mambas and hyenas in Africa are significantly different. The story only gets better. He wasn't discharged due to PTSD, either. Turns out that he was diagnosed with PTSD two years after he was discharged. I am no expert on the subject, but, the more he talked about it, the more I felt like he was full of poop.

To make matters worse, he was not all that bright. He was not well spoken at all...as in, he couldn't even complete an organized thought. I am a very good listener, but if the speaker doesn't even know what he is saying, I am going to tune out - which I did several times in our conversation. He tried to make a joke, but it made no sense. I wish I could recreate the conversation for you so that you can understand the utter discomfort that his lame joke made me feel. Thank GOD I only ordered a tall frappuccino! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Bottom line, not a good fit. So, I am trying to make an exit plan. I start with my body language, looking around, wandering eyes, etc. I then cease to engage him in conversation, didn't ask him any questions and answered his with one-word answers. He makes a joke, I don't laugh. Then, I pulled out my purse and looked at my phone. I think that did it. He then asks me what I have planned for the rest of the day and I make up some bullshit about things I want to get done. Luckily, he lets me go. Whew! Got out of that one.

I hope that the feeling of dissatisfaction was mutual and that I never hear from him again. But, unfortunately, he writes me a text later about how nice it was to meet me and how beautiful and smart I am. I always appreciate a sincere compliment, but that guy telling me I am smart didn't actually hold much weight in my eyes. I ignore his text. Hopefully, he gets the hint and I am done with him. 

NOPE!!!! About 24 hours after our horrible date, I get a text message that says (and I promise I am quoting this EXACTLY):

"You know I was a porn star"

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There was no need to add that to his list of disqualifications of being a potential mate, but, now I had to just be real with him.

My Reply: "Alright....Well, now I'm really not interested"

Seriously, what is wrong with him to think that him screwing other women on film was going to make me like him? He went on to say that the key word was "used to" but also threw in that he was in two playboy episodes. Look, man, I already told you that this new information was not attractive to me...I don't care if it was Playboy or Penthouse. NOT INTERESTED. So, I told him that ex-porn star just wasn't what I was looking for in a guy. Luckily, he let it go and wished me luck.

Good riddance!!

My not-so-Harmonious date with Mr Harmony

The internet dating world is much more progressive than the "traditional" dating world. Traditionally, it's the man's responsibility to approach the woman. It's very predator versus prey. (I'll let you decide who's who.) Due to this tradition, I was hesitant to "make the first move" on the internet. However, clicking a button that says "wink" is no where near as bold as asking for a guys number in a bar. Plus, the website won't work if you don't work it, right? So, I decided to grow some balls and be the one to initiate the winking. I have come to learn that I get more dates when I reach out and message first. However, I have most recently learned that quality is better than quantity.  Last Friday I had a date that started out promising but took me for  a roller coaster ride.

His screen name was mrharmony and I liked what his profile had to say. It was somewhat romantic and I (being the helpless romantic I am) loved it. Plus, he was handsome. So, I sent a message. I always get right to the point when I send the first message. It erks me when a guy sends me a message asking so many questions that he could write my autobiography when I got done answering them. So, I sent him a message complimenting his profile, stating that it seemed like we were looking for similar things in a partner, and that I would be interested in meeting to see if there were any sparks. He replied back in agreement so we exchanged numbers and made plans. Easy peas-y! None of this pen-pal for six weeks bullshit just to finally meet and realize that we never want to see each other again. So, we exchanged some texts and he asked if I wanted to pick the place. I left it up to him.

Mr. Harmony decided to meet at moderately priced local eatery. I had never been to this place before but it was close to home and I've heard great things. So far, so good. We arrived, we met, we conversed, we clicked. I tend to gravitate to people like myself - outgoing, talkative, witty and sometimes sarcastic and Mr.Harmony was all of the above. He complimented on how good I smelt and when I told him that I was wearing play, we found out that we wear the same line of fragrance! Just as I started to think "this is going great", a certain gentleman waltzed past our table on the way to the restroom. I did a double take because I couldn't believe it. But, when I looked again, I realized that it was him. The last guy I dated. We dated for about six months and then he moved out of state so that was the end of that. However, we are still friends and I knew he would be in town that weekend.  BUT - He just happened to be in town THAT weekend  and decided to go to THAT local restaurant at the exact same time I was there. What are the odds? It's not like SAN DIEGO is a small town. There are plenty of other places he could have chosen to stuff his gullet that night, but he didn't. He chose this place. And there he was....and there I was....with this dude....on a first date off of a dating website.

I felt like Rachel in an episode of Friends where she and Ross just broke up and run into each other on a first date. So, I reacted like any other recently broken up sitcom characters would - I GEEKED OUT!  It was my honest, and genuine reaction - I suck at being fake. I think I yelled "What the fuck? What are you doing here?". We hugged and I pulled myself together as quickly as I could. I clearly wasn't completely over him because I was flustered....and I had a hard time hiding it. I introduced Mr. Harmony to Mr.Last guy and they were cordial. But, when Mr. Last Guy bid us adieu, Mr.Harmony was not feeling the tune. He completely deflated.

I acknowledged the awkwardness, apologized, and we both agreed to move on with another round of drinks to drowned the embarrassment. I told him that we all have baggage but, like an airline, there is a weight limit and my baggage would be considered carry-on. He was impressed by my wittiness and willingness to get the conversation going again. So, I inquire about some of his baggage, it was only fair. He tells me that he eloped in Vegas about five years ago, the marriage lasted a month, and he teared up when he spoke about the passing of his father previous to the rash decision. Alright - level playing field.

But, it wasn't all sunny skies from there! Let me preface the next park of the story by telling you that, early in the conversation I asked if he thought it bad etiquette to speak about previous dates from the site. He did not and was happy to share stories. So, I am talking to him about the first guy I ever met and how he made it to the second date. As I am telling him the story, our server comes by to fill our waters. I am mid-sentence as said server walks away and I see that Mr.Harmony is once again a bright red balloon that I just stuck a needle into. I didn't understand what happened. He looked down, shook his head muttered something under his breath. I inquired about his reaction to....I wasn't sure what!

It turns out that he was belittled because I kept talking about a different date while the waiter filled our glasses. He felt like a fool because I didn't stop what I was saying, wait 30 seconds while a third party visited the table and then continued my harmless conversation that he recently deemed permissible! I needed to step away for a moment so I excused myself and went to the ladies room.

In the restroom, I took a moment to gather myself again. Twice now we have been having great conversation while smiling and laughing so much that my cheeks hurt when something happens that upsets him. I should have realized then that it was bad news. But, something about him still intrigued me. Plus, the food and drinks there weren't cheap. I am sure if he wanted to split the tab, my portion would have been almost $60 with tip that I wasn't prepared to pay for. (Hey, don't judge me - he picked the place, not me!) I just couldn't wrap my head around the reason he was offended. But, at that point, I just know how it made him feel was not my intention.

I sat back down at the table, the check holder and tab were laying in the middle of the table. I downed the rest of my martini, paused, then sighed and apologized. I let him know that I meant no disrespect. He fired back about how worthless intentions are and I replied with an analogy. "Imagine that you are Indian and you invited  me over to your house. This is my first time meeting you and I know nothing about you or your culture and I walk into your house without my shoes on. Now, I have no idea that you never walk on your carpet with shoes on and meant no disrespect. However, you feel disrespected. If I apologize and take my shoes off, are you going to shun me still? Or, are you going to realize that I meant no discourtesy and forgive me?" He hesitate but then reached for his wallet and threw his card on the table. He remarked on how he didn't understand how I keep getting to him but it was working.

From there, we went to a small, dark, hotel restaurant that has live piano music. Of course "Mr. Harmony" loves Sinatra, right? He tells me how much he loves jazz and blues and we jam out to Robin Thicke on the way there. We order drinks and I open a tab (he wound up paying $100 with tip at the previous place - it was the least I could do). The conversation starts going well again. We are flirting, we are holding hands, we are enjoying the music. I ask him to dance and he refuses!! He refuses to dance in this hole in a wall, hotel piano bar because he cares what all of these people (who he doesn't know and will probably never see again) think of him. But, I was convincing and (to Mr.Harmony's dismay) we wind up dancing to "Angel Eyes".

All in all, I made up my mind that he was of those guys who acts really cocky in attempt to hide his own insecurities. It was the most fun, worst date I ever had. He wound up sending me a presumptuous message a day later and I told him to kick rocks. No big deal, there are more guys where he came from! Back to the site!

What NOT to Post

Alright, I am a blog addict now...TWO postings in ONE day! whew! =)

I am just worried that my previous post is going to inspire some of you dim-whits out there to go all willy-nilly and post a douchey profile. NO, DONT, STOP!! Before you do, please take some advice from me:

1. First and foremost: DO NOT PUT ANY PICS OF YOU TAKING YOUR OWN PICTURE IN YOUR BATHROOM MIRROR!! Really?!? You want to impress someone of the opposite sex. If the only pictures you have of yourself were taken in a bathroom mirror, flash reflecting out the side and all...this makes you look like you have NO FRIENDS!! Ladies - this goes for YOU TOO! I went out with this one guy who told me he saw the funniest site ever when a girl took the same picture in the same pose in a full length mirror in her bedroom (he knew it was her bedroom because he could see the disheveled bed in the mirror - bitch couldn't even make her bed). What tops it off is that she must have changed into ten different outfits to snap the shots. Yup, her own personal photo shoot. Ridiculous. Needless to say, cute or not, he was not impressed.
2. To add to the photo advice - Dudes: its bad enough that you had to take a pic of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Please do not add insult to injury by lifting up your shirt with your free hand. If your abs are the most interesting thing about you, you are not all that interesting, are you? So, you can do lots of sit ups, WHO CARES?? The same goes for you, ladies. I have talked to plenty of guys who absolutely hate it when a chick takes a pic of herself in a bikini or has some professional photo shoot up. Now, if all you want is a booty call, ok...do what you want. Act as slutty or as douchey as you want...who cares? Go get you some in the best way you know how. But, if that's how you do it, why not just skip the website and go to a club?  Oh, and dude that takes a picture of himself in bed -WHAT THE HELL?!?! REALLY?!?! bwahahahahah...
3. Good ideas for pics are you with your pet, SMILING (I hate when a guy has 15 pics and not one of them he is smiling in. Either you are miserable or have really fucked up teeth. Either way, I don't want any part of it), with your friends, or doing something you like (maybe running a race, sky diving, horseback riding). Make your pictures show how interesting you are, not what a loser you are. Oh, and while we are on the subject of pics...PLEASE no pics of you and your ex or what could be perceived as your ex. We do not care how hot your ex was, ok? Most females are jealous enough as it is...no reason to go and make it worse!
4. Now onto the profile advice. Don't spend forever writing an autobiography. Let's face it, they are going to look at your pics first. If they like what they see, they will read about you. But, I guarantee that they do not want to spend more than five minutes reading about your life story. What do we know about people? That we LOVE to talk about ourselves. So, if you are looking for an outlet to talk about yourself, write a diary. If you want to meet someone special, keep it short and sweet. Tell them what you are looking for in a guy/girl (keep it BASIC... although we would all love to believe that Prince Charming is out there somewhere, you know DAMN WELL that you are no Snow White), what is important in your life and what you do in your free time. Keep in mind that you are going to need some conversation material on the first date. So, sprinkle tidbits of information that you can elaborate on during the first date. But Lord PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not mention anything about what your MOM thinks about you. I hope that your mom thinks that you are an awesome guy. If she didn't, you might just be a serial killer. 
5. Don't use words like "honest", "trustworthy", "hard-working", etc. These are all things that you think about yourself. Let your date decide for him/herself what kind of person you are. I would love to see myself as the most logical choice to win the Nobel Peace Prize, but don't see that happening in the near future. Keep it simple, talk about what you do and where you see yourself in the next few years.

OK, whew!! I feel a little better now. At least I won't have nightmares tonight about someone reading my blog and going out and creating another horrible profile. There are more than enough out there as it is!! Now you have five good pieces of advice on how to get your blog started. Next up: what to expect and how to prepare for the first date!

By the way, feel free to ask questions, comments, whatever.

Why Internet Dating?

Many people hate on the idea of internet dating. But, I really don't get why. It works for so many! I will admit that I was hesitant at first. So, why did I start? Well, why did you decide to read Twilight? Why did you decide to go see The Avengers? Well, because a friend told you, of course!

I was having dinner with my friend Suzanne in a local North Park eatery, talking about work, life, and love, (what else do women talk about?)! Right there, at the table, she decides to show me what the online app for one of the free dating sites looks like. But, we were at one of those cool restaurants that has the communal dining tables. So, I laughed as she cupped her hand over the screen of her phone as to cover up the site!! This baffled me!!

Look, rule numero uno ---if you are going to do the online dating thing, go ALL in, and be PROUD! Sit in the middle of Starbucks on your 15" labtop screen and work on your profile right there. Who cares who sees?!? Look, if you wind up meeting the right person, you will spend the rest of your life (well, hopefully) explaining how you met, right? So, give up the charade and don't be embarrassed!! Plus, who knows, maybe there is a cutie right there in Starbucks who notices you are on a dating website. What better way to say "check me out, I'm SINGLE" than being on Match.com?

Anyhow, she thought that I would enjoy it. I thought "oh, no...it sounds like so much work!" She showed me questions I have to answer, a bio that I would have to write, pictures to upload...ugh!! Doesn't EVERYTHING link to Facebook these days? Can't I just link it to there somehow? Nope! But, Suzanne says that it isn't that complicated, not a lot of work, oh nooo....so much fun!! =/ So, I thought about it for a long time and then went home with a full belly and decided to sit my happy ass on the couch and let my food digest while I create an OKCupid profile. Hey, we all give into peer pressure eventually, right?

Now that I have been on the dating sites for over a month, I am glad that I started off on a free site like OKCupid. HOWEVER, I highly recommend switching to one of the paid sites like Match.com once you get your feet wet. The quality of guys and number of matches are much more qualified and more my type. On OKCupid I get three matches sent to me daily versus 10 that I get on Match. On OKCupid, I am only interested in an average of 2 out of the 3 measly matches they give me. But, on Match, the percentages are much higher. However, if  you start the Match.com profile, just be sure that you are ready to pay for it. Yes, you can sign up for free, spend all the time in the world making a perfect profile, but all you will be able to do is "wink" at the prospective matches. ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)................................

Let's face it, winking ain't shit without getting a number or meeting up. Without paying, winking is the only communication you have. So, if you are worried or weary, see how you like a free site. If it works for you, go ahead and pay for one of the good ones!

So, that's how or why I got started. Check out the next blog for my do's and dont's of profile creation. I know all of you folks who are in a relationship could give two shits about all of this, but stay tuned...the re-caps of my dates so far are coming soon!!

Intro

Welcome to my blog. A little over a month ago, I entered into the intriguing world of online dating. At one point in time, finding a mate on the internet was taboo, but now it is becoming more common. Since I have embarked on this digital dating journey, I have heard from at least ten different people that their friends or family members met on a dating site and are either still dating or are married. 


How did we get to this? I remember the days of writing notes in pretty pink ink, folding them up in some creative way, misting some fruity smelling body spray on it and handing it to my crush while passing him in the hall. Then, chat rooms came around. You can't exactly spray your favorite Bath and Body Works scent on a chat room (although, I am sure that smells coming from your laptop will be a thing of the future). I guess I am not that much of a stranger to the world of internet dating because I met my first  in an AOL chat room. Yup, 14 year old Sandra and her 14 year old best friend posing as 17 year old hotties (hell, we were hot and could totally pull off 17). Next thing I know, I am dating a boy who lives a half an hour away whom I would have never met if I wasn't in that chat room at that time. We were together for over two years, I lost my virginity to him, and we are still friends to this very day. 


Here I am, a decade later, trying to find Mr.Right on an internet dating site. Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of relationship that didn't start over the net, but we have all heard the saying about "plenty of fish on the sea". However, I think it depends on how big the sea is that you are fishing in. If you keep looking to meet someone in a bar, at the gym, or a coffee shop, that isn't much of a sea at all....its more like fishing in a pond!! Why settle for less when there is so much out there?


Anyhow, I decided to start this blog to inform and entertain. For those of you who are thinking about or already are on a dating site, I want to share my stories with you and give you some advice. It kills me the amount of guys that don't have a clue and I have heard from my dates that some of the women are the same. If you are already in a relationship, just live vicariously through me. Either way, I hope you will be captivated, inspired, or maybe just tickled.